Sabotage By Loving Intentions - Has this ever happened to You?
I personally have a lot of experience with this, and I can tell you that it has been my greatest challenge to learn to let go of things said and done by the people who love me and whom I love.
Probably the most profound experiences, have been with my own parents. I can remember so many times that I was inspired to create $1,000,000 products or to get out into the world and find a service that my community desperately needed. I can even remember sitting down, and following my mother's directions, to plan it all out and try to forecast any pitfalls and problems that might give away. After that, I felt good, and I was ready to move forward.
Though my past pattern has always been to get everything right and down and then check with my family to see what they thought of my great inspirations.
Now the interesting thing here, is that before I am asked for and you can use or advice, I was already on the move, and success was arty inevitable. So it only fall right to share my joy with my family, which I anticipated would be exciting every time. It didn't matter how many times they told me I couldn't do it, or that this idea would work, I wanted to share my joy in them and my excitement and it than anticipated about everything that I was about to do.
This is something we all have a need for, isn't it?
We want to make our parents and their family proud. We want to be seen as significant and important, and we want our ideas to be validated by somebody other than ourselves before you forward, so that we can avoid any potential rejection from those that we care about.
So every time that I ask for help or advice, say I have a business idea and I needed my mother's assistance in getting the financial forecast ready, I would call her up and excitedly tell her all about my new plans, and then I would ask for for some assistance in making sure that my numbers were right. The only problem there, is that my mother is very much a " realist", and although she is generally a positive person, whenever it came to my ideas, she leaned more ports the side of pessimism and optimism.
Now I know as well as she does, that she was only doing that because she loves me, but she wants to keep me from experiencing any painful positions the time I put myself in through exploring my ideas. And it didn't matter how many ways I can show her that it was not as risky as she was seeing it as, and no matter how many times I could quickly and confidently answering her objections, she always came back of me with every potential downfall. And being my mother, she knows about every single weakness I have ever possessed. She is basically like the keeper of the book of my life, she knows just about every chapter and all the characters, and from her perspective, it is her job to make sure that I never go into a situation unaware of any potential negative outcomes.
I love her for this, I really do.
I love her because, no matter how many times I've got her really excited about something that I can do, she's always there to make sure I don't blindly travel down any path.
Now before I really learned some hard lessons about "loving advice", I assumed that it was just a matter of finding the "right" idea, or starting the "right" business. I assumed that it wasn't a built in protective pattern created to protect me, but that it was simply a matter of trying something else.
I imagine that this point, that going through all that chaos, is what is help to bring it to where I am now. Though I could seriously tell you, that it might have been helpful to understand, that it did not matter what I was going to do or how well and I feel that do it, if an even matter if I had a 99% chance of succeeding - my mother was always going to focus on my weaknesses, and any potential problems that other people could create the reality of my dreams. That's just the way she is, and always has been. Like I said before, she does it because she loves me and as the mother it turned out to protect me.
Little did she understand, that every time she did that, with loving intentions are not, she took me down notch by notch, faster than any other person in my life ever could. I mean, I want you just think that my pairs of and the only naysayers in my life, I've dealt with plenty of them, and manage to succeed regardless of what they said. The one I came to what my mother said, no matter how much I tried to show her she was wrong, I still felt myself quickly deflating every time she focused on my lack of patience as a child, or my bad choices and past 10 years, or how I had not yet proven to her any of my ideas can truly work.
It took me quite some time to understand, that within all honesty, regardless of anything that she said, my mother was simply waiting for me to prove her wrong. No part of her ways of "loving me", came about because of the way that she grew up, as well as ways that she's found most effective to prevent me from starting something that might potentially fail. Now I'm sure that if she understood how much her "support" had hurt me literally and psychologically, that you might change for tactics or tried a different route for different result. Though it took me some time to understand what was really happening, and I have a lot more access to information and tools than she ever been while she was raising me.
To give you another example; I may not yet be extremely financially wealthy, though I'm still quite successful if you think about it. I'm always shown a high aptitude for learning, adapting and finding creative ways to provide for my family. I've learned over the last few years to make potent decisions and choices, that change the character of the challenges that I face. I spent many years focusing on how I can prove my worth to what seemed like some invisible foe. Does it wasn't until I truly developed a keen sense of self-awareness, that I even realize I had this desire to prove myself. Now that I understand it, it's not so overwhelming and I can use the pressure in a positive way, controlling it so that it does not control may.
Though part of becoming self aware and understanding how to use the pressure in a positive way, was the process of the nature of the relationship I have with my father. You see, he is equally as good at tearing me down with his"loving support". Though in relation to my mother, and was much more willing to help me a chance to succeed, even if she's only same potential negative outcomes, my father and the other hand would rather assume that I do not possess the skills necessary to provide for my family.
I remember clearly, when we told them that I was going to be the main breadwinner for our family, and that I have it was going to stay home with the kids. We had it all planned out, I had spent weeks building my hubby's confidence, assuring him that my success was inevitable and that I would more than be grateful to provide for any and all his expenses, if you can find the same gratitude and excitement about staying home with kids - which he did.
Though what I told my father about it, I already knew what his answer is going to be. Now, before this happened, I spent some time meditating on letting go of the outcome that he would continue his normal routine of pestering my hubby to take of the job at one of the local Boeing factories. Now he was certainly correct, but there would be some Financial Security available through Rudy taking on a Boeing job. However, there were several impractical challenges, that prevented Rudy from wanting to take on that sort of job. The first was that I had spent the last six years at home with the kids, and as much as I love that, I'm more than ready to get out into the world. The second large problem was ever a just didn't want to work at Boeing. This can create a major problem, because when you don't want to do something, you don't do it as well as you could. When it comes to working at Boeing, or any other job, you have to be able to give your 110%, otherwise you're on the list of the first few individuals to get a pink slip what it's time to do massive layoffs. Basically, we can see that Boeing was not a long-term solution, and we already knew that it was inevitable for me to succeed. Within the first three months of getting out there, even before gritty had left his job, I already had a huge list of prospects of was for the most part set up and ready to take on clients. After he left his job, I was free to get out and do what I've always really wanted to do - which is to help people create breakthroughs in their own lives.
To make a long story short, when it came time to tell my dad, it was extremely difficult to find my inner pessimism that my father would continue with his old habits. Of course, my native of mind prove itself right once again - because as he came into the knowledge of our plan, he immediately began pressuring my hubby to go out and get some sort of big manufacturing job. And what you have to understand, is that aside from being stubborn, slightly arrogant and very well meaning - my father is also an unknowing expert and how to play on people's heartstrings.
I tried to tell them how successful I had already become a such a short time, I tried to provide him with numbers and statistics and examples of people I was already helping in mass of ways, even ready tried to tell them that he was more than happy to be at home with the kids and more than supportive of me, but my dad just wouldn't listen. He made sure to look Rudy Ryan the eyes, using just the right vocal tones, and tell them that he needed to go work at Boeing for our boys.
"What would happen to them, if they got hurt badly and we didn't have the insurance to cover all their bills?" He asked
"How were we going to take over all the bills of the house, if Rudy did not go out and get a 50 hour week, $12.00 an hour job at Boeing right away?"
Now, being that I already understood that it was simply his loving intentions that caused him to try and tear us down and divide our unity, I knew that there was really no way around convincing him, other than to show him results. Though that didn't mean that I was and still hurt, by his lack of support. I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from, if you've ever had someone you love do the same anything to you. Even though you understand that they love you and one only the best for you, it's hard not to feel a little part of your heart shatters with the knowledge that they will not be one of your immediate supporters.
It's a natural feeling, I'm not one you should be ashamed of. Though you should make sure that no matter what kind of emotion their words triggers in you, you can't hold on them. You can't allow the loving advice and wicked words of wisdom from your loved ones to affect you so greatly as to prevent you from achieving your dreams.
Now I have two tips for you, before we end this blog, but will help you overcome the defeated feeling of not being supported by two people you you wish nothing more than to be proud of you.
The first is a very obvious one, don't ask for advice from anyone who loves you!
I knew it might seem backwards, and you are probably shaking your head wondering how you're going to have the confidence to move forward without the support, though I'm here to tell you that if you base everything you're going to do on the opinions of those around you, know to get anything done.
And while you might have the greatest intention to simply get a sense of their opinions, and you might already know that you need not to hold onto the hurtful things they say, though I can tell you from experience, that no matter how great your intentions are, once you have their opinions it will become 50% harder to overcome your real challenges. The really want to add one more thing to the list of hurdles you are ready have to overcome?
So since I know you can do it, go ahead and get started bringing results into your world from your inspirations, visions and dreams. Don't stop and wonder what anyone will think of it, because the most important part is that you know your own success is inevitable, and even greater than that, once you achieve even your first five or six goals, your loved ones will already be proud of you.
Those important keep in mind, that if they've always have a pattern of looking for the worst first, but no matter how successful you become, they will probably always love you in that way. So don't measure success, based on the requirements of your loved ones. They don't have a measuring system, they only have love and loving intentions, and in their minds you are capable of achieving the world's greatest accomplishments, so in their minds there is no cap on how much better you can do or bigger you can be, they see your success is infinite, and they will always continue to push and pressure you to be greater than you are.
The second tip, is to recognize that the more people in your life who tell you that you can't do it, that the struggle is too great to overcome or that the challenge of the risks involved are to tremendous, that's when you know, beyond the shadow of the doubt - that you are on the right path. I can guarantee you, that if the makers of the original Internet, sat back and measured the potential for their success, based on the " experts" in their world, then we would not be here together learning. The same goes for Facebook, McDonald's cheeseburgers and automobiles. Every single person who came up with the ideas for these revolutionary and radical ideas, head of least a handful of people who are very influential to them, who did not openly support them in their ideas.
They said none of those things could be done.
They persisted that nobody would be interested even if they could be done.
They told the sources of the inspiration, that the risks were too great. That it would cost too much money, that they were patient enough or that they had way too many other responsibilities in the way first. They did everything they could, to prevent any sort of painful situations that might possibly come about.
It was their loving intention, that the inventors of such revolutionary things as the telephone, electricity or even America - could not do it, that it would not happen.
And you can see that there's one key thing that was inevitable for the success of any of these ideas - and that's that it was the persistence and determination of the individuals who refused to believe that they could not achieve. More importantly than that, they didn't measure their chances of success on the opinions and doubts of other peoples in their lives. They turned what most people would create into negative reasons to hesitate, a few positive pressure that fuel them forward and change the world forever.
Take a hint from what they've done, or even a hint from what I've done - and remember that in the eyes of those who love you, there's no cap or limitation on on your success - which means that they might not ever stop pressuring youtube greater than you are. Use that as a source of excitement, to know that on your team you always have those that can support you buy re-energizing the pressure within you. If you can remember this, and be grateful for just another fantastic tool that you have, then you can turn that pressure into a powerful motivator. Most people fall into the success trap of only succeeding a little and then giving up, assuming that it was the method and not the madness of assuming success was simply a goal. With parents and other loving community members, I have no doubt that you will always continue to strive for success - because success is not a goal, it is a lifestyle.